The Connecting Power of Attunement
Every human soul has a deep desire to be heard and known. This hunger for the nourishment of connection and understanding is a survival need. The basic elements of connection are authenticity, vulnerability and attunement with ourselves, with our Higher Power, and with others, especially the most important people in our lives. The attachment literature is replete with evidence of the enduring benefits of connection with our most important attachment figures, usually our parents, grandparents, or important caregivers when we are growing up.
As children, if we experience the nurture, attunement, and responsiveness of these most important people in our lives, we most often develop a healthy understanding of our value and are able to trust that others will be there when we need them. This healthy experience of attunement guides the development of internal messages that strengthen confidence in self and others, such as “I am worthy of respect,” “I am enough,” “I am lovable,” and “I can trust.” Another valuable benefit of healthy nurture and attunement as children is the frequent experience of soothing in the presence of close relationships. We encode a sense of “I’m safe when I closely connect with others.”
Unfortunately, the converse is also true; the lack of nurture and attunement from our important caregivers, can cause us to internalize deeply engrained negative messages about ourselves, such as “I’m not enough,” “I’m not worthy,” I’m not lovable,” or “I can’t trust that the most important people will be there when I need them.” The ability to open up and be vulnerable with important others in our lives is compromised, and we often withdraw or isolate when in distress. One of the lasting negative dynamics associated with misattuned or unresponsive caregivers is gravitating toward abusive or detached relationships as adults.
How Can Attunement Benefit Us in Relationships Today?
Once we reach adulthood, our spouses, partners, and close friends become a vital part of the nourishment we need to replenish our souls with a sense of connection, closeness, nurture, and understanding. In fact, through attunement, these important others can become a vital part of healing the attachment wounds from a misattuned or unresponsive caregiver. Attunement is the key to building healthy pathways of emotional intimacy and revitalizing the growth of positive and affirming beliefs about ourselves, such as “I matter,” “I am valuable and lovable,” and “I can trust that the most important person will be there when I need them.”
When we experience the attunement from another person, especially someone important to us, we feel heard. We feel seen and understood. If you want to know what you look like physically, you look at your reflection in the mirror. You can check out your hair, your muscle tone, or whether you look good in a particular outfit. Similarly, if we want to understand ourselves better on the inside, whether is it to know ourselves emotionally or to understand our perspective on a matter, having someone attune to us gives us the opportunity to explore our own experience, to hear back our words and our emotions, a reflection, so to speak, of who we are. Often, when people experience attunement, they are able to look within and express and explore an even deeper understanding of themselves. It’s such a powerful way to know yourself!
What does attunement look like?
Attunement first looks like listening. We truly set aside our own thoughts and opinions and take a moment to truly take in someone else. We listen to what the person is saying and the emotions he or she is experiencing, as they share about their perspective. Then, when they come to a stopping place, we enter into the adventure of reflecting back to them what we heard them express, including the emotions we heard or felt, as they shared. Last of all, we validate their experience by acknowledging that the emotions make sense. We are not saying, “I agree with you.” We are rather expressing our desire to know them and be a part of their experience. We are saying we care so much about them, we are willing to really tune into their experience with a sense of understanding from their position. After we have attuned to someone, we might even pause and ask “Did I get that right?”
Attuning is such a win-win situation! If the person responds with “Yes, you got it!”, we know they feel understood. They may even take us deeper into their experience, and explore and express with us more of their perspective. If the person responds with “No, not quite, it’s more like this…”, they are actually more precisely defining themselves, and we get to know them better. So, we get to deepen our emotional and perhaps intellectual intimacy with another human soul, and they get to know themselves better. Definitely a win-win! What a valuable gift! We are able to understand another sacred human soul at a greater depth. Usually, this process allows the net benefit of both individuals feeling a deeper sense of soothing and relaxation. We are designed and hardwired to need connection. Attunement is such a powerful way to experience connection, closeness, intimacy, and soothing in our bodies! Attunement allows you to strike gold in terms of human relationships. This week, experiment with attunement with your family, friends or coworkers. Notice the beautiful connection and soothing you feel!
